What kind of flirt are you?

“When people are not flirting, we do a good job of detecting it. When people are flirting, on the other hand, we do a really bad job at detecting it. We miss it most of the time,” said Hall. Why are we so obtuse? One reason is that pop culture has given us an inaccurate view of what flirting looks like. Hall noted that commercials for products like beer and body spray portray a very direct and seductive form of flirting rarely used by real people. “Hair-flipping, coy-smiling, lip-licking—that kind of silliness is not happening,” said Hall. In the real world, people have very different flirting styles, some of which run contrary to what we’ve been conditioned to expect. For example, some people are “polite flirts,” who show interest by being respectful, rather than aggressive or forward. In a subsequent analysis, Hall found that polite flirts leaned back and maintained an even tone of voice. “They were flirting by being stiff,” he said. Needless to say, many participants didn’t get the message. On the flipside, playful flirts often have the opposite problem. Because they enjoy the act of flirting for its own sake, or for the charge it gives them, they often send confusing messages. “They run into the problem where everyone thinks they’re interested [when] they’re just messing with people,” said Hall. So how do you figure out if that cute stranger likes you? Hall has several recommendations.

First, pay attention to verbal cues. Body language can be hard to read, but many verbal cues transcend flirting styles. In particular, if the other person gives you a compliment—on your appearance, ideas, taste in music, etc.—they are probably flirting. Another giveaway: if the person implies that they’d like to see you again by asking for your contact information or by letting you know that they’ve “been meaning to check out that art exhibit, too.” Finally, anyone who tries to determine your relationships status is probably into you. “If you say ‘we,’ and they say ‘Oh, do you mean you and hmmm.’ Then they are likely flirting with you,” said Hall. Here are a few more suggestions from Hall:

“A little self-reflection can go a long way,” said Hall, who explained that there are five basic flirting styles: Polite, Playful, Traditional, Physical, and Sincere. Understanding how you communicate attraction can help you determine whether you need to make your intentions clear or tone them down.

As clueless as we may be, our instincts about our own interactions are still better than anyone else’s. In Hall’s flirting study, third-party observers who watched videos of the participants were less able to detect flirting than the participants themselves. “There is something about the embodied experience of getting to know someone that tells you something that a video recording doesn't,” said Hall.

If being around someone you’re attracted to makes you nervous, it will probably work in your favor. Research finds that we become more attracted to people who appear interested in us. “So rather than holding it back or tamping down on it, be comfortable with the fact that this person makes you a little bit excited,” said Hall.

Devoting your energy to seduction strategies and guessing games will only interfere with your ability to connect. Instead, focus on getting clear on what you are looking for. Do you like this person? Can you imagine spending time and having fun with them? Is there something special about this person that makes you want to be with them rather than others? “Being in tune with that will probably get you a lot farther along than trying to second guess their actions or play some sort of game,” said Hall.

Sure it’s scary, but the choice is yours: would you rather risk feeling the sting of rejection, or the sorrow of never knowing what could have been?