How to stop self-sabotage

Self-sabotage happens when you wreck your own best-laid plans. On the surface, you seem to want to get healthy, be in a happy relationship, or work on your dream project, but on the inside, you feel compelled to get in your own way.

Typically, self-sabotage refers to behavior that interferes with reaching your goals. These self-sabotaging behaviors are expressions of deeper, unresolved conflicts. They affect various areas of life, including work, relationships, and personal achievements. But why would you want to betray yourself that way? It’s complicated. We sabotage ourselves in response to early feelings of hurt and helplessness, says Susan Anderson, author of “Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage–the Aftermath of Abandonment.”

Self-sabotage most commonly appears in quick-fix behaviors like shopping when you need to save or get out of debt, crossing relationship boundaries or starting flings with unavailable partners when you’re looking for “the one,” comfort eating when trying to lose weight, or risking failure when you want to succeed.

Psychologists say we contain a “pro-self” and an “anti-self,” an internal enemy whose critical voice is shaped by our early life experiences. If we’ve been treated as a burden or made to feel stupid, the anti-self adopts views that support how unworthy we are.

The anti-self can also take on the attitudes of our early caregivers, so if they were self-blaming, depressed, or critical, so are we. The anti-self likes to write us off as unworthy of whatever we want to accomplish and becomes the critical voice nagging us to mess it up. “Sure, watch TV instead of work on your project.” “Why not go out with the emotionally unavailable person again: isn’t that your type?” These actions might briefly offer comfort, but ultimately, they prevent us from having what we really want and need.

Fear is usually at the center of self-sabotaging behaviors: fear of success, fear of the unknown, fear of pain or rejection, and so on. That fear keeps us in a chronic state of limbo: never moving forward on our goals, wishes, or desires. Identifying and overcoming fears is crucial to improving your mental health and well-being. Learning how to stop self-sabotage often starts with identifying these underlying causes and recognizing your patterns.

Self-sabotaging your own happiness doesn’t always look dramatic: in fact, it often shows up in small, everyday moments. Think procrastinating on a project you care about, setting unrealistic standards, and getting stuck in perfectionism, avoiding hard conversations, or slipping into a loop of negative self-talk. These habits can feel familiar, even normal.

But underneath, they’re often rooted in deeper emotions like fear of failure, fear of success, self-doubt, or the quiet belief that we’re not good enough. Over time, these behaviors hold us back from the things we want most: connection, growth, and peace of mind. In relationships with other people, these patterns can harm our ability to connect and love fully.

The good news is that awareness is the first step toward change. When we begin to recognize these patterns with curiosity instead of judgment, we create space to choose something different. This can help us avoid repeatedly making the same mistakes in our personal lives.

If you want support along the way, start a 14-day free trial with Headspace to explore meditations designed to help you build self-awareness and treat yourself with more kindness.

Get unstuck with solving how to stop self-sabotaging and start taking these small, positive steps to help yourself recover from self-sabotaging behaviors:

Start with self-compassion

Studies show that self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, less narcissism, and fewer angry outbursts. Self-compassion can also help us feel more centered, pursue our goals, and better deal with fears and anxiety.

We spoke with Kristin Neff, Ph.D., associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin, and she recommends treating yourself like you would a best friend when you’re suffering. What would you say to your BFF if they screwed up on achieving a goal? Odds are it’s very different from what you’d say to yourself. It’s helpful to keep a self-compassion journal in which you process difficult daily events through a lens of compassion and kindness.

Be more mindful

Mindfulness helps us notice what’s really happening: in our thoughts, emotions, and environment, without judgment. That awareness is key to practicing self-compassion. Instead of spiraling into blame or shame, we can pause, breathe, and respond with kindness. Online therapy can also provide valuable insights into your behaviors and thought patterns, helping to improve mental health.

Still, one of the most effective ways to build mindfulness is through meditation. It gives us space to observe the moment and meet it with care. We spoke with Dr. Neff to confirm that regular meditation can help rewire the brain to support more self-compassionate habits over time.

Watch what you say to yourself

You may be so used to self-criticism, self-blaming, and name-calling that you don’t even realize you do it. Start paying attention to the internal voice that speaks to you on a daily basis. Whenever you notice it being critical, stop and offer a compassionate thought instead. Rather than thinking, “I’m so dumb for missing that deadline,” try telling yourself, “I’ve been working so hard, and I’m so stressed out: it’s no wonder I missed the deadline.”

Look to the people around you who are doing what they set out to do, accomplishing their goals. What do they have that you don’t have? Probably nothing more than a quiet anti-self who isn’t sitting on their shoulder trying to screw up their plans.

Self-betrayal is usually buried deep, and many of us don’t even realize we’re self-saboteurs. But if you can be a bit more mindful, self-compassionate, and less self-critical, your pro-self may gain a foothold and put an end to your anti-self’s sabotaging ways.

Disrupting self-sabotage doesn’t require a total life overhaul. Small, consistent changes can make a meaningful difference over time. These actions lead to positive transformations in behavior. Here are a few ways to get started:

• Mindfulness-based habit tracking: It's powerful to notice what’s driving your habits. Use Headspace's My Progress feature to track your daily check-ins, reflect on how you’re feeling, and spot patterns over time.
• Reframing negative thoughts: That inner critic? It can be softened. Headspace offers guided meditations for self-compassion and managing everyday anxiety that help you practice kinder, more realistic self-talk.
• Grounding in the present: When you feel stuck in self-doubt or spiraling thoughts, grounding exercises can bring you back to now. This practice can significantly improve mental health by reducing stress and anxiety. Try a stress reset session or a quick breathwork exercise to create calm and clarity.

Self-sabotage can be frustrating when you feel helpless about standing in your own way, especially when you just want to move forward. But recognizing your patterns is a powerful first step toward change.

With a little more mindfulness and self-compassion, you can quiet that critical voice and build habits that support your goals instead of blocking them. Every small act of kindness you offer yourself helps strengthen the part of you that believes you’re capable and deserving of growth.

Ready to support your journey? Headspace offers more than mindfulness. Between therapy sessions, you’ll have access to daily support from Ebb — your empathetic AI companion — plus 1,000+ meditations, SOS exercises, journaling prompts, and sleep tools trusted by over 100 million members. And when you need deeper care, Headspace’s online therapy connects you with licensed, in-network therapists to help you move forward feeling supported, understood, and hopeful.

_Sources:

_{Anderson, S. (2015). Taming your outer child: Overcoming self-sabotage and healing from abandonment. New World Library. Accessed on June 11, 2025.}

_{Firestone, R. W., Firestone, L., & Catlett, J. (2012). The self under siege: A therapeutic model for differentiation. Routledge. Accessed on June 11, 2025.}

_{Kristin D. Neff, Stephanie S. Rude, Kristin L. Kirkpatrick. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of Research in Personality. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2006.08.002. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S009265660600095X. Accessed on June 11, 2025.}