When the Mirror Feels Like an Enemy

(mouse clicking) (bright music) Headspace Studio. (gentle music) Hey, friends, it's Rosie, welcome back to Radio Headspace. Let me take you into a moment I wasn't prepared for. I was standing in front of the mirror one morning, and I didn't recognize myself. Not in the, "Wow, I'm having a bad hair day," kind of way. Not even in the, "Ugh, I need more sleep," kind of way. It was deeper, terrifying actually. My face, my body, my energy, it all felt unfamiliar, almost like I was looking at a stranger. And that's when I realized I had stepped into perimenopause. No one had prepared me for how disorienting it could feel, not just physically, but mentally. I didn't know at the time that my brain literally could not process all the hormone shifts that were happening. What I saw in the mirror wasn't reality, it was distortion. But at that moment, all I felt was self-loathing. (water sloshing) (gentle music) And this, in Buddhist philosophy, is known as the super-secret enemy, that deep, hidden voice that turns inward and attacks, convincing us that we're unworthy, that we're broken, that we're somehow not enough. It's the most dangerous kind of enemy, because it lives inside us. It doesn't just make us suffer, it convinces us that we deserve to. Psychologically and neurologically, perimenopause is a massive recalibration. Estrogen, which plays a big role in regulating mood and cognition, it begins to fluctuate. That affects serotonin, dopamine, sleep, energy, basically, everything. Researchers have found that women in perimenopause are at higher risk for depression and anxiety, not because they're weak, but because their brain chemistry is literally shifting under them. So when I looked in the mirror and thought, "Who is that?" It wasn't vanity, it was my nervous system struggling to make sense of a new baseline. (gentle music) Self-loathing is tricky, because it doesn't always shout. Sometimes, it whispers. For me, it sounded like, "You're not you anymore, you're disappearing. You're less valuable now." And here's the thing, I teach mindfulness for a living, I know all the tools. But in that moment, all the teachings in the world couldn't stop the sting of believing those thoughts. That's the danger of the super-secret enemy, it isolates us. It makes us feel like we're the only ones going through it, even though millions of women are in the same exact chapter. So what do we do when the mirror turns against us? For me, the first step was honesty, saying out loud, "I'm in perimenopause. This is real, this is happening." And then, curiosity. Instead of believing every harsh thought, I started asking, "Is this true, or is this my brain under construction?" (bird chirping) (gentle music) That shift opened space for compassion. I could remind myself, "Your body is wise, it's transitioning. This isn't the end of you, it's a new season of you." And slowly, the mirror became less of an enemy and more of a teacher. And if you've ever...