Holiday Pressure

The problem with self-judgment is that it does not help us direct ourselves towards better choices. When we say, "Oh, I should be with my kids", or, "I should have seen my parents last weekend", that should statement doesn't lead you probably to then call them and make up for that, it just leaves us feeling bad. (bright subtle music) Hi, I am Ryan, I'm a Therapist with Headspace and welcome back to "Ask a Therapist". Our next question comes from Zenia, and Zenia asks a question about holidays and time spent with the family. What I dread most during the holidays are two feelings. Number one, I feel like I should be doing more to create lasting memories for my children and loved ones, whether that's through better decorations, more fun activities or special meals, and number two, I constantly feel like I'm in the wrong place. When I'm with my parents, I worry that I'm letting down my husband. When I see old friends, I feel like I'm neglecting my parents, and when I go on a date with my husband, I worry about leaving my kids behind. I often feel guilty for not spending enough time with everyone, which adds to my stress. Any tips on how to manage these feelings? Well, Zenia, thank you so much for both of these questions. I think this is an experience that a lot of people can relate to. Wanting the holidays to be as special as they can for themselves, but also for their family. If you asked me this question in therapy, the thing that I would ask you in response would be, what are your memories from your childhood growing up? Do you remember big special events, do you remember special decorations, special meals, or are your memories from the holidays growing up little, quiet moments, just being there with the people that you love? Because I think sometimes this pressure that we put on ourselves to create special experiences is coming from a little bit of a place of self-judgment, and I do this to myself too, where we want to be the best version of ourself, whether it be for our kids or our partners, as you said, for your extended family as well, and if we feel like we're not doing that, then we can slip into a little bit of self-judgment, which I think you acknowledged maybe you do a little bit in this question. And the problem with self-judgment is that it does not help us direct ourselves towards better choices. When we say, "Oh, I should be with my kids", or, "I should have seen my parents last weekend", that should statement doesn't lead you probably to then call them and make up for that, it just leaves us feeling bad. Now, if you want to see your parents more, if you wanna spend more time with your kids, that's great, and we can lean into those emotions, but we want...